Emotional bread-crumbing is a manipulative behavior where someone intermittently offers just enough attention to keep another person interested, without any genuine intention of forming a real or lasting relationship
The signs ;
- Inconsistent Communication Style - They might send occasional messages but without any consistent pattern or effort to maintain regular contact. Communication is on their terms. They decide when they want to reach out and often do not respond even when they have contacted you first.They send flirtatious or affectionate messages that give the impression of interest, but they don’t follow through with any concrete action.
- Avoidant Behavior - When you make plans or suggest meeting up, they often respond with vague or non-committal responses. They flirt with you online or through text, but they avoid in-person interactions and real-life commitments. They often claim to be busy and unavailable, making it difficult to make plans or spend quality time together.
- Your Feelings - You feel confused about where the relationship stands and unsure of their intentions. They might deflect or change the subject when you try to have a serious conversation. Your feelings fluctuate between excitement and dejection, depending on your interaction with them. They will give compliments one day and then ignore you the next, leaving you feeling unsure about their true feelings.
- Fragile Self-Esteem - Individuals with fragile self-esteem often feel worthless and unlovable when they do not get enough attention and recognition. While they might be terrified of being alone, commitment may feel equally frightening. Therefore, they will give others just enough attention to keep them interested without committing to a relationship.
- Emotional Avoidance - Bread-crumbers who are emotionally closed off will avoid commitment, close relationships, and deep conversations. Emotional avoidance is often a result of an Avoidant attachment style. Attachment theory proposes that the quality of the relationships we have with our caregivers in childhood plays a significant role in shaping our emotional and social development throughout our lives. This influences how we perceive ourselves, others, and how we navigate relationships. As a result, individuals with this style often have conflicting desires for closeness and distance in their relationships, avoiding emotional intimacy and attachment in adulthood.
- Personality - Bread-crumbing is known to be associated with a narcissistic or egocentric personality style. This personality style is characterized by a lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement for the unconditional attention and admiration of others, and an excessive need for control. As narcissists tend to lack empathy, they may not realize how bread-crumbing can lead to confusion, frustration, and emotional distress for the person on the receiving end. Instead, they live in peaceful ignorance as they enjoy the attention and interest they receive from others.
- Some other reasons include - Fear of commitment , filling a temporary emotional void, keeping their options open while maintaining connections with multiple people, uncertainty or indecision about their own feelings or desires, external pressures, societal norms, or peer influences, personal traumas / emotional baggage.
- Do Not Take It Personally - Bread-crumbing is not the victim’s fault. The behavior is a result of the bread-crumbers’ personality style, fragile self-esteem, and emotional unavailability. You need to recognize the inconsistent communication and mixed signals for what they are and stop putting your time and energy into trying to make the relationship work.
- Trust Your Instincts - If you feel that something is off or that the relationship isn’t progressing as it should, trust your instincts. If a person likes you, they are usually clear about it and will not leave you wondering. So be honest with yourself: why you are tolerating inconsistent communication, mixed messages, and avoidant behavior? Decide whether this person is worth pursuing or whether there is a deeper reason why you are allowing them to treat you in this way.
- Set and Maintain Boundaries - Taking back control means establishing firm boundaries for yourself. Determine what you’re comfortable with in terms of communication, commitment, and the level of effort you’re willing to invest. Communicate your boundaries and expectations firmly. If they are able to respect your boundaries and adapt their behavior accordingly, a future relationship might be possible. However, if they are unable to respect your boundaries and the bread-crumbing persists, it may be necessary to consider ending the relationship.
- Communicate Openly - Have an honest conversation with the other person about your feelings and concerns. When you are faced with bread-crumbing behavior, call the bread-crumber out. Express how their behavior is affecting you and ask for clarity about their intentions.
- Focus on Self-Care - Prioritize self-care and emotional well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy, spend time with supportive friends and family, and engage in hobbies that boost your confidence and sense of self. Take time to reflect on your own needs and desires in a relationship. If bread-crumbing continues despite your efforts to communicate and set boundaries, consider limiting your contact with the person or walking away. Remember that your emotional well-being is important, and you have the right to be in a relationship where you feel valued and respected.
What Is the Difference Between Bread-crumbing and Gas-lighting?
Bread-crumbing involves sending sporadic and vague messages to keep someone’s interest without any intention of genuine commitment or progression in the relationship.
Gas-lighting is a form of emotional manipulation where one person seeks to undermine the victim’s perception of reality, causing them to doubt their thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
What does the author has to say in this ?
Well, after a few thorough readings from multiples resources, I firmly believe that I have been bread-crumbing mostly everyone in my whole life. This is only I realized after people seriously confronted me about it.
Probably I am just trying to deny that the very rotten part of me is actually exists, or justifying my actions were all based on traumatic responses but of course one must no make them as excuses for treating people badly. Maybe, just maybe, I did not want to hurt them in the first place but unknowingly the whole time, I did. Maybe I thought I have already given the best that I can to make them feel nice, but to think of it, no I did not give my best. Perhaps, all I ever wanted is to make them happy in any way I can afford to because I want to appreciate or consolate for the feelings that they have for me, without actually asking myself, "is this truly what I wanted?"
Either way, at the age of 31, I reflect on my behaviors ; the past, present and how it is going to impact not only my future but for the others too. As for now, the best way for me is to be 100% honest and truthful, because sugar-coating and lies will eventually making things even worse.
Yes, I can be a good friend, a great listener. But in terms of relationship, I failed big time.
This has been a very eye-opening and good lessons. I am deeply feel regret for making people upset, for making them feel unwanted and distant, for making them beg for just a piece of attention and love, for making them overthink and anxious, for all the time and resources wasted.
I pray they are given the peace and strengths from the Al-Mighty. I pray they will be healed along their journey in this life. I pray they be surrounded by kind and loving people, even it means that I have to step back and out.
And for the bread-crumbers that are currently reading this ; stop crumbing. Have a heart-to-heart talk and respond in kind. If you have the desire to control and manipulate, then seek professional help. You want to please people so that you will appear angelic and desirable? Oh prioritize and manage your emotions first. Apologize and then leave people alone until you can decide to stop hurting them.
My sources are from :
Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., Yubero, S. & Víllora, B. (2020). Psychological Correlates of Ghosting and Breadcrumbing Experiences: A Preliminary Study among Adults. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(3), 1116.
Navarro, Raúl & Larrañaga, Elisa & Yubero, Santiago & Villora, Beatriz. (2021). Ghosting and breadcrumbing: prevalence and association with online dating behavior among young adults. Escritos de Psicología / Psychological Writings, 13(2), 46.
Rodríguez-García, M.C., Márquez-Hernández, V.V., Granados-Gámez, G., Aguilera-Manrique, G., Martínez-Puertas, H. & Gutiérrez-Puertas, L. (2020). Development and Validation of Breadcrumbing in Affective-Sexual Relationships (BREAD-ASR) Questionnaire: Introducing a New Online Dating Perpetration. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health; 17(24), 9548.
